The Third-Wheel Trials
The single life backfires yet again, not only relationship-wise…but now with your friendships, too.
The single life can be great. It is great, once you get used to it. You aren’t obligated to talk to anyone or report back (not that you should do that when you’re in a relationship either because…independence), you can do your own thing, your attention is on yourself and your wants and needs, and you can see whoever you want whenever you want. And you don’t need a S/O because you have your friends to entertain you, keep you busy, and talk to you. But when a friend gets into a new relationship, you start to feel the single-life, third-wheel effects. Your friend enters a honeymoon stage with their new beau. Their attention is turned toward their S/O as they get to know one another better, they become infatuated with each other and are together every spare moment they get. The only thing your friend talks about with you is their beau.
And you know what? I hate it.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m happy for my friends. All of them. Every time they enter a new relationship. But it’s nothing I haven’t seen before and something I don’t want to go through again. And you know exactly what I’m talking about because it happens to everyone, especially the single friend.
The saying goes that when you enter a new relationship, you lose two friends. Now, there’s no data to necessarily back that up, however, the feeling and emotion involved are there to prove it.
Disclaimer: I’ve been single for longer than I’d like to admit. The majority of my friends have had multiple relationships, each at different lengths. It’s hard to believe but I’ve learned more about relationships by not being in them, thanks to the outsider’s perspective, hence being the single friend giving relationship advice (the irony). The single friend sees more about a relationship than the couple involved, including the friends who are also in relationships. But maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience.
I love attention (I have a blog, hellooo). But I don’t need it. However, I notice when someone stops giving it to me and it’s very easy to see where the problem lies. In this situation, it’s the new boyf. So let me break it down: Your friend boxes you out, in a harmless, unintentional way because their attention is on the relationship; that’s understandable! In a new relationship, you have to spend time with your S/O to get to know them, decide whether or not you really like them, and enjoy being with a partner. I get it (I’m single, yes, but I do have relationship experience, believe it or not). But what I don’t get, is why that has to change the dynamic of a friendship. When the friend talks to you, they rave about their relationship and how great it is to have a partner, tell you everything about their S/O, all the cute dates they have planned, and their adorable text convo they had last night.
And then…nothing.
They don’t text you as often. They don’t really ask what you’re doing, and if they do, it’s a short conversation until it’s quickly turned back to talking about the relationship. They’re busy on the weekends because they have date nights and hangouts planned with their S/O and their friends. You’ll probably be invited and encouraged to third wheel, but…that’s not the quality time you’re looking for with your friend.
Again, it’s hard to understand this take on new relationships when you’re A) the person in question; B) never been single for that long; C) in a long-term relationship; D) you only hang out with single people (and probably for the reasons I’m describing). But, this is the reality of single people everywhere and whether or not you want to agree with me, that’s on you.
Single friends are happy to talk about the relationship, the new boy-toy, and are generally happy for their friend. But don’t forget: guys are replaceable. Girlfriends are forever.
To those in relationships, hear me out as I speak for the single girl in your friend group: we care about you more than your S/O. We want nothing but the best for you. We’re excited and happy for you. We know that your time and attention are limited now that your focus is on building your relationship, but that doesn’t mean we should be forgotten about, or even worse, replaced. Although you may not think so or realize this, this is the reality of many of these situations. We miss you and just want to be a part of your life outside of the relationship, too.
I know I sound cynical, which I probably am. But being a single girl in a group of taken women teaches you a lot. It taught me that I will always put my friends first. I will always be considerate of my (single) friends' feelings. I will never let a relationship control me. And I won’t ever be in a relationship that would make my friends feel the way I feel as the third wheel.
With that being said, enjoy your friend's relationship. But don’t be afraid to reach out to them if you feel the friendship dynamic between you has shifted. It happens, but don’t let it continue. And enjoy your single life; I support!
xoxo -C
